Sometimes, walking away from someone doesn’t mean you stopped caring. Sometimes, it means you finally realized you were losing yourself while trying to carry someone else’s pain.
I had a friend during college. We were always together. People used to ask me where she was when I was alone and ask about me when she was alone. We had such a thick bond. We were both studious and competitive in nature, which helped us score more in our exams.
We had lost one of our parents at the same time of the year. We were roommates, and we needed to care for each other during that period. After a month of grief and not doing anything productive, I realized that there is a life to deal with and studies to take care of for my future. One of my greatest strengths is to keep aside my problems and face reality first.
I started spending time with everyone in the hostel as before. My friend disliked it. She wanted me beside her and wanted us to grieve together. She always wanted to complain about life and victimize herself to get affection. I know it is human behavior when we have lost a loved one. But that has an expiry date. It cannot stay forever.
I invited her to watch a movie with others on a Saturday night, thinking that she would see the other side. But she expected me to watch a movie with her, and she even mentioned, “Let it be just us and not anybody else.” I didn’t find it healthier. I need people, and I need to face real-world problems rather than dwelling in the past.
But somewhere in all of this, I also started looking at my own grief differently.
During college hours with other people, my energy was entirely different, and when I was back in my room, it was entirely different. That difference made me stop and think about myself. I started wondering why I could still feel like myself around other people but felt so sad, dull, and drained when I was with her. That made me realize how much I had forgotten who I was before my father passed away.
I was always sad, dull, and drained when I was with her. I realized that the sadness was more about my self-pity and jealousy when seeing my fellow people, and not really about my father. Because when I remember my father, it always makes me smile. How he loved me, how he treated me, how kind he was to everyone, how he made people happy, and how radiant he was when he was in a crowd. That is very much me too.
One day, I entered the room during an argument where she burst out at one of my other friends. She felt possessive when I had to talk with another friend, which was unhealthy. I stood beside the other friend, and I had to leave this friend because I could not continue dealing with her emotions, which added a burden to my own. From that day, I started avoiding her, even though she cried to me many times.
I made a difficult choice. I still question it, but I know what I was experiencing. I feel it is important to walk away when something makes you weak and drained, when you start losing yourself, because enduring it will eventually destroy you.
I am grateful for the awareness.